Compelling Reasons

Compelling Reasons
In a departure from tradition the United States Supreme Court handed down a flurry of decisions that has dramatically remade the United States government. Liberals hailed the change. Conservatives are curiously silent.

Earlier this year, the Supreme Court established the precedent of the “compelling reason” for nullifying inconvenient Constitutional obstructions to the exercise of government authority. The University of Michigan employed a clearly unconstitutional system of racial favoritism in it admissions program. Because the Fourteenth Amendment prohibited unequal treatment under the law, a government program that rewarded people based upon their skin color clearly violated this principle.
So well received was this precedent by such proponents of a “living constitution” as the New York Times, the Supreme Court declared that it would use the principle to inaugurate other needed modifications to the law of the land.
First of all, in a 7-2 decision, The Court decided that, henceforth, the Second Amendment was suspended. From this day forward, no citizen had the right to keep and bear arms. The Court declared that a modern, civilized society required a pacific populace that could not resist the goodwill of the government. Therefore, there exists a compelling reason to override the clear text of the amendment.
“After all,” read the majority opinion, “in truth, there can be no such thing as tyranny, since the citizenry is the government.”
The New York Times approved.
In a dissenting opinion, justices Scalia and Thomas complained that The Court had no authority to simply suspend those provisions of the Constitution that conflicted with the exercise of government power.
“It is precisely the potential for tyranny exercised by the majority over the minority that such limitations upon the exercise of power were written into the constitution,” wrote justice Thomas for the minority.
“Besides,” wrote justice Scalia, “there were no cases before the court that touched upon the Second Amendment. Heck! We weren’t even in session. I was vacationing in Florida and justice Thomas was at a birthday party for his niece. Where the hell did this come from?”
Next, The Court, in another 7-2 decision, pronounced that compelling environmental concerns required that the Fifth and the remainder of the Fourteenth Amendment be suspended.
“The Earth is in such immediate peril that such luxuries as private property and due process can no longer be tolerated,” The Court concluded. “Requiring environmentalists to prove their claims only permits the damage done by polluters to inflict irreversible environmental destruction. As such, there exists a compelling need to give unlimited authority to Al Gore on such matters. We hereby empower Al Gore to confiscate all cars that get less that 50 miles per gallon and to inspect all homes for thermostats set too high or too low, or lacking 1.6 gallon per flush toilets.”
Writing for the minority, Justice Antonin Scalia simply asked, “Are you people nuts?” Justice Thomas could only shake with outrage.
The Court next decided that the Congress was too corrupted by big moneyed special interests and did not actually represent the will of the people they were elected to represent. Citing a “compelling interest” in good leadership, The Court, in another 7-2 decision declared the Congress null and void, put them all on generous pensions and sent them home. The Court also noted that, as the current president agreed with all of The Court’s decisions in its last session, he was of no consequence either and reduced him to a ceremonial head of state. “We made him. We can break him,” read the majority opinion.
Once again, justices Scalia and Thomas dissented. “Help! Help! They’re dragging us away in chains! They’ve hauled us to the edge of a bottomless abyss, and they’re going to throw us in! AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
In a unanimous 7-0 decision, The Court declared that henceforth, only seven justices were needed to sit in judgment and, that as the Congress and the president no longer had any authority of such matters, they would sit in judgment for life and would choose their own replacements. There was after all, a compelling need for The Court and only the members of the Court were worthy to judge their successors.
Finally, The Court decreed that all other judicial bodies were superfluous and the term Supreme Court was redundant. Henceforth, these seven justices would be known collectively as, “The Court.”