Kozmos, 2003 Presidential Edition

Kozmos, 2003 Presidential Edition

We celebrate this year’s conclusion as we always do in this corner – by recognizing and rewarding the stupidest and most arrogant pronouncements of our ideological elite.
As one would predict, it’s been a busy year. There are nine dwarves competing for the chance to lose to George W. Bush in a fifty state landslide next year. And each seems determined to distinguish him or herself by saying something more absurd than the rest.
In addition, there is a war going on. And that is guaranteed to bring the dreadlocks and dope wing of the Democratic Party down from the treetops and into the forefront of the debate.
And so there has been a very rich vein of idiocy from which to refine nitwittery worthy of Kozmos. Because so much of the news has been dominated by the nine dwarves who, were they in Snow White, would all be named “Grumpy,” I have decided to dedicate a whole week to the foolishness these ankle-biters have showered upon us.
Frontrunner in the polls and in the Kozmos is Howard Dean. In just two days, he managed to make a fool of himself three times.
On December 1, 2003, the former governor of Vermont sermonized that “Mr. President, if you'll pardon me, I'll teach you a little about defense.”
The next day, he revealed his foreign policy acumen by explaining how he would resolve nuclear tensions with Iran. “The key, I believe, to Iran, is pressure through the Soviet Union. The Soviet Union is supplying much of the equipment that Iran I believe mostly likely is using to set itself along the path of developing nuclear weapons. We need to use that leverage with the Soviet Union, and it may require us buying the equipment the Soviet Union was ultimately going to sell to Iran, to prevent Iran from developing nuclear weapons.”
In one semi-literate paragraph Dean mentioned a non-existent country four times. Does anybody recall how the Democrats hooted when George Bush couldn’t remember the Pakistani president’s name?
One day later, he accused President Bush of having prior knowledge of the September 11, 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. “The most interesting theory that I've heard so far--which is nothing more than a theory, it can't be proved--is that he was warned ahead of time by the Saudis.”
And so, Howard Dean collects both the Foreign Affairs and the Black Helicopter Kozmos.
You’ve probably noticed that the former frontrunner, the French-looking John Kerry, has a very high opinion of John Kerry. In such high esteem does he hold himself that when Boston's Holy Name Parish School asked for donations to its spring auction, John Kerry donated an 8 X 10 picture of John Kerry.
To put this in perspective, Ted Kennedy donated a framed personally designed print. Mayor Thomas Menino offered a dinner.
The mega-multimillionaire Kerry whined that he received 36 requests for auction items this year.
That must be draining. Kerry promised that, after the 2004 election, he would offer personally guided tours of the White House. What I’d like to know is, how can the purchaser be certain that George W. Bush will honor the French candidate’s promise?
And, last but not least, we have the George Romney, ready for prime time Kozmo. In 1967, Republican George Romney’s promising campaign for president was derailed when he declared that he had been, “brainwashed” into supporting the Vietnam War.
This year has two George Romney winners. The first is the French-looking John Kerry, who claimed that he didn’t really vote to authorize war. Instead he actually only voted to authorize the threat of war.
Also not ready for the heat of the spotlight is Wesley Clark. He tried to jumpstart his post military career by claiming that, on September 12, 2001, the “Whitehouse” had called him to insist that he blame the attacks on Saddam Hussein.
Unsurprisingly, New York Times columnist Paul Krugman swallowed the story whole. “Gen. Wesley Clark says that he received calls on Sept. 11 from 'people
around the White House' urging him to link that assault to Saddam Hussein.”
When pressed, he refused to reveal his sources. Later he admitted that the call really came from an obscure think tank in Canada.
Not ready for prime time.