Car Wash Nazis And Boiled Frogs

What is the world coming to? Just this last Saturday, I saw a gang of teenaged hooligans engaged in an immoral conspiracy, flagrantly flouting the environmental sensibilities of the great state of Washington. Right there, in full view of decent citizens, the local constabulary and God Almighty, these desperados were washing cars on a black top parking lot in a manner that runs afoul of Washington State water quality regulations.

I know. I know. I should have chosen my words more carefully. I should have prepared my readers for the shock. I probably should have started with one of those disclaimers warning my readers that this column contains adult content and strong language. Rated M for mature and all that. And I hope that no ladies suffered a fainting spell when they read the preceding paragraph. If they did, will the nearest strong-shouldered manly gentleman please extend to them my sincerest apologies when they revive.

It may be difficult to read, but it’s true. There the scofflaws were, dressed in cutoffs and swimming trunks, armed with garden hoses, buckets, sponges, towels and chamois, soliciting passersby to collaborate in their crime. I didn’t see it happen, but undoubtedly mothers were covering their young children’s eyes as they drove past, lest those children’s psyches suffer some irreparable damage. Washing cars is the kind of thing that adults have to spell out when children are in range of hearing.

If you didn’t already know, and if my neighbors are a representative sample, many of you don’t, it is now unacceptable in the state of Washington to wash cars on an impermeable surface, such as a grocery store parking lot, or even your own driveway. What the state now expects you to do is to wash your car on gravel or your own lawn.

And while car washing is not yet legally forbidden, it’s just a matter of time. The state is imposing on local governments the obligation to control runoff into streams. If local jurisdictions are found in violation of state regulations, then they’ll have to take action to bring themselves into compliance. And that’s going to mean issuing tickets.

The theory at work here is that washing cars generates a soapy runoff that is unhealthy for aquatic life. Washing your body or your clothes is okay (unless you live in Spokane) because that water is first run through a sewage treatment plant. I mention Spokane because phosphate-containing detergents are now verboten there. This has forced Spokanites who actually want clean clothes and clean dishes to smuggle phosphate-containing detergents from across the Idaho border. Washing your car in an unapproved manner will drain into waterways, supposedly poisoning fish.

So, will car wash brown shirts be patrolling the streets looking for offenders to place in handcuffs? Well, no, not in the next few days anyway.

Asked if he expected to see car wash police patrolling the streets of Seattle, Doug Navetski, of King County’s water quality division answered, “No. We'll do public education.”

Public education, huh? So, does that mean that, if I pull my own car out of the garage, park it in my driveway, stretch out my hose, add some soap to a bucket of water and start washing it in my driveway, the worst that can happen to me is that some car wash Nazi will come up and educate me? And what if, after receiving my education, I elect to tell the educator to go, uh, find some better use for his time, will he humbly slink away and trouble me no more? That might happen the first time, but I doubt that we can expect such humility to endure.

I feel like that legendary frog who is about to be boiled. For those of you unfamiliar with the fable, the proper way to boil a frog is to put him in cool water and raise the heat gradually. If you try to put him in hot water, he’ll fight like crazy. It’s better to take your time.

We are so much less free today than we were when I was growing up. For example, in those days, we could do maintenance on our own cars. Today’s shade tree mechanic is likely to run afoul of federal law. And soon, we won’t even be allowed to wash our own cars.

Not even Orwell foresaw this.